At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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