break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
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