Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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