If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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