My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
