TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
