You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
