he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
