I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
