I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
