i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
