What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
