dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
