First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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