im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
