I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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