Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
