My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
