You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
