Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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