i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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