i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.