could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.