you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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