I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
