i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
