Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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