Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
well you can't waste a boner
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
