woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
