I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
