I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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