The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
