I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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