I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
