just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate your face
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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