went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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