Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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