It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
