You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
