Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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