There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
