her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
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If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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