I'm eating all of the evidence.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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