The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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