I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
