If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
