I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
