I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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