Umm I'm too high to move.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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