he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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