I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
