Your mouth is God's brothel.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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