Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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