I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
