Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
