Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize