Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
