i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My friends, they love my intelligence
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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