Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
